let's chat: my story of anxiety

    So I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now..but haven’t., mainly because “anxiety” seems like a trend now and I feel like everyone and their mother has it and frequently mentions it. Which yes is TRUE, everyone has some form of anxiety. We are human. But honestly my type of anxiety was pretty damn severe. I tried for YEARS to control it different ways through meditation, therapy, yoga, natural vitamins, breathing techniques etc.. but over the years and nothing working it finally became something I needed to take meds for because I couldn’t shut my mind off and it was consuming my life. 

   Flashback to middle school, 7th grade Maggie. I started a new middle school in 7th grade. Which, is one of the ballsiest things a 12 year old tween could do. I remember being so nervous on the first day of who I was going to sit with at lunch. I knew two girls that went to the same public school from my neighborhood.. but..they were the “cool girls” at middle school and definitely didn't want to be seen with me. So, I’m sitting in 3rd period on my first day wondering who I was going to sit with at lunch, when the bell rings and the cutest brown haired, freckled girl comes up to me and asks if I want to sit with her and her friends at lunch. Hannah, I am forever grateful for you. After that, middle school wasn’t even that bad. I had friends and got invited places. But yet.. I still had crippling anxiety mostly about the past or future. I remember always being scared when I heard a plane from my room because I was convinced it would crash into my house. When my brothers would play x box in the other room, my ears literally couldn’t take the tiny noise I would scream STOP CLICKING. Literally WTF. Max, Charles you were so patient with me and probably thought I was insane in the membrane at the time. Which I was. I remember hyperventilating frequently during class that teachers would see me, recognize it and immediately send me to the nurse. It was bad. 

   High School comes, and honestly the anxiety is better. Some family problems settled themselves and life was good. I was so busy with school, my classes and dance team that I didn't have time for anxiety and irrational thoughts. I must say though.. I wasn't the most confident or coolest in high school and just kind of did my own thing. Anxiety came once in a while but not as frequent. Senior year of high school I was torn to go in state for college or out of state to my dream college on the beach. Instead of letting my anxiety getting in the way and choosing the “safer” option I chose to take the leap and attend Eckerd College in St. Pete, FL. Which may I add, I will later discover was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

   Freshman year of college was a FUN time and I was SO happy at Eckerd. But there were SO many times my anxiety got in the way of my true happiness.I really knew deep down that I was happy and my anxiety was just trying to ruin my life. I literally couldn’t shut my mind off no matter how hard I tried. Finally, after continuous panic attacks at night in my dorm second semester of freshman year, my parents suggested I see a physcartrist to get on anxiety/anti depression meds. And boy oh boy did this change my entire life. I’m not kidding.

 I am now on 100mg of Zoloft which is pretty high. I started at 25mg and the doctors pushed me up to 100mg. These numbers might give you an idea how bad my anxiety is. I’ve been on Zoloft for 3.5 years now and I’m a happy, anxiety free camper. I still have anxiety but it is manageable and more logical. I’ve never had my mind feel so clear. I’ve never been able to live in the present like I can now. It’s a beautiful thing really for my mind to be healthy and well again. I don’t see a therapist anymore and see my physiatrist once every three months for a “head check.” She asks me how I’ve been feeling, makes sure the dosage is still the right dosage, writes the script to Walgreens, and I get on with my life. 

 There you have it folks. That’s the story of my anxiety. Will I be on meds my whole life? If need be. hell yes. But if I don’t, that’s a hell yes too. Whatever it is I know there are ways out there to treat anxiety and that life doesn’t need to be so stressful and anxiety filled. Are meds the answer for everyone? No. I am no doctor and will never be. I don’t know what personally works for everyone. All I do know is that it IS a curable thing. 

  Hope you guys enjoyed this read and if you’ve read this far I love you and I’m sorry if there are spelling or grammar errors. I said earlier I’ll never be doctor. I will also never be a English teacher or a grammar police. But never say never..

   This isn’t an Oscar speech lol, but I do feel inclined to say thank you to my family who has helped (and still loved) me at my worst and best states, as well as all my friends in my life who make me so incredibly happy. You all are the GOATS.

xx

Mags